


sometimes... canon... is worse

by lonelyghosts



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/F, Fix-It, Independent North (ASoIaF), Lesbian Daenerys Targaryen, Lesbian Sansa Stark, No Incest, Queen Daenerys, Sansa Stark is Queen in the North, Season/Series 08, but like. in a fun way!, i hate spoiler culture, idk anything about game of thrones but like. this season is bad, jon snow but without his character butchered
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-03-05 15:15:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18831247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelyghosts/pseuds/lonelyghosts
Summary: Daenerys: [enters, looking cool as hell]Sansa: Wrow.(AKA: I know nothing about Game of Thrones but I can write a better story than whoever the fuck D&D are.)





	1. s8e1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sapphfics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphfics/gifts).



> my got/asoiaf knowledge comes from a) sapph b) having watched 5 episodes and clips on youtube (specifically the sansa littlefinger death scene) c) having read the TVTropes page, a concept art book, and 4 chapters of the fire & blood book d) debating my uncle on how sansa Deserved Better and e) osmosis from the rest of yall talking about it. but i can write a better season 8 than d&d so....
> 
> italics are thoughts/internal monologue, brackets are actions or description. if a part of an episode isnt in here then assume its been kept as canon

Daenerys: [enters Winterfell, looking fucking wonderful in a matching color scheme that also is a homage to the winter and snow of the North because she heard about Jon's really cool sister and wanted to impress her] 

Sansa, a lesbian: ...Wrow.

Jon: Queen Daenerys of House Targaryen, this is my sister, Sansa Stark, the Lady of Winterfell. 

Daenerys internally:  _shit fuck she's so pretty... okay Dany don't screw it up don't screw it up_

Daenerys: Thank you for inviting us into your home, Lady Stark. The North is as beautiful as your brother claimed. As are you. 

Sansa internally:  _Agh fuck on the one hand I need to preserve the independence of the North and I'm sure Jon fucked up negotiations because he sucks but... fuck... she's so pretty... Remember your people, Sansa, don't fuck this up._

Sansa, bitter because Jon's a dumbass: Winterfell is yours, your Grace.

Dany internally:  _Oh no... I screwed it up... she doesn't like me... :(_

Bran: Sorry to interrupt but I wasn't sure how long you guys were going to stare at each other wistfully so I'm just going to butt in and get to the important stuff.

Both Sansa and Dany, in unison: Oh, I wasn't- sorry.

* * *

Lyanna Mormont: Hey uh Lord Stark you fucking left us and sold us out? 

Jon: Uh what are you talking about?

Lyanna Mormont: You gave up the North's independence and betrayed us all, and for what? Some tail? I am so tired of this bullshit. Why am I the only sensible one here?

Jon: I have no idea what's going on.

Sansa, extremely frustrated: This is about how you completely overrided the authority of the people who live here and decided to pledge the North to a Queen none of us know, putting us under the rule of yet another foreign leader who has every ability to become a tyrant. [glances at Daenerys] No offense.

Dany, slightly offended: None taken. 

Jon: I'm so confused. People keep talking and yet nothing makes sense.

Dany, taking pity on an idiot: Jon never pledged the North to me, and I don't plan on taking it. I understand that the North has its own customs and ways, and that the people of the North have been subjugated and put under extreme pressure by foreign rulers- whether they be Targaryen or Baratheon. Thus I have pledged to allow the North to remain independent.

Sansa: ... sorry, SansaStark.exe has stopped working.

Dany: I do hope that our two domains can be allied, and that we can both be good friends. Perhaps in the future we could establish a more permanent alliance- a marriage, or a treaty, or something of that sort. But as of right now the relationship between our domains is not something I feel is a priority- for either of us. Jon did offer to give the North to me, but I refused- I am aware that this discussion, if had, must be had not only with a sole ambassador, sent by his Lady's good will, but with all involved.

Sansa: I literally am so fucking gay right now.

* * *

Sam: Jon, you can be King of the bloody Seven Kingdoms!

Jon, perpetually confused: What?

Sam: [long, convoluted explanation of R+L=J]

Jon: Oh. Wow. Well, I sure am glad that I didn't sleep with Daenerys now, would have been real awkward if she was my aunt. 

Sam: You almost slept with her?

Jon: Almost being the key word for it. I was like "oh can we kiss I feel like there's been some romantic tension between us" and she was like "no sorry I'm a lesbian". In retrospect I'm still not over the death of Ygritte, and jumping into a relationship with a woman that I only have platonic feelings for feels like it would be bad for my mental health. 

Sam: But you don't care about the possibility of you being the true heir to the Seven Kingdoms?

Jon: Did you not hear any of what was said like five minutes ago? I am absolutely shit with politics. I'm going to be honest with you, Sam. I am so fucking tired. My life has been nothing but blood and death and trauma for the past few... months? Years? How long has this been anyways? In any case when this is all over I'm just gonna get a nice cottage somewhere and spend the rest of my days raising puppies. That's my goal. Dany is a just woman and has been nothing but fair in her dealings as far as I've seen, so I trust her to be a good queen. 

Sam: You know what, Jon? That's fair. That's fair. And this Daenerys lady has given me no indication to believe that she is anything like her grandfather, and you've spent more time with her than I do, so I trust your judgement. 

Jon: Great! I'm going to go angst about how my adoptive father lied to me for my entire life now, something that is a genuinely impactful plotline and makes sense for my character as opposed to me angsting about how Dany 'might be' evil. 

* * *

Bran: Hey Tarly, roll me outside so I can sit mysteriously in the snow.

Sam: Why? 

Bran: For the Drama™.

Sam: Oh. May I ask what kind of Drama™?

Bran: The vengeful kind.

Sam: Fair enough. 

* * *

Jaime: I've at last defied my manipulative and murderous sister and am seeking redemption, and I've finally managed to make it to Winterfell, the place I decided would be best for me to stay, where literally everyone hates me and has personally suffered due to my actions! This could not possibly go wrong. 

Jaime: Ah, hello there, random boy in a chair outside! Wait, you look familiar... oh no. Oh no.

Bran: Surprise bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.

Jaime: How did you know I would come here?

Bran: I had a vision because of my magic powers and immediately knew I had to use it to maximize the drama.

Jaime: [notices the snow in Bran's hair and on his clothes] How long have you been out here??

Bran: I've been out here for two hours.

Jaime: Oh.

Bran: I can't feel my legs.

Jaime: Oh, that sucks.

Bran: Because I lost all use of them. Because you pushed me out a fucking window because I saw you having sex. You fucking asshole. 

Jaime: I'm fucked, aren't I.

Bran: Yep. 


	2. s8e2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime Lannister stands trial, Dany and Sansa have a Talk, Theon comes home, the gang has a strategy meeting, Brienne gets knighted, and Jon and Dany address the Iron Throne shaped elephant in the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theres some tyrion bashing in here just fyi. i dont know much about tyrion, im ambivalent on him. im just ragging on some of his worst moments. there is also some khal drogo bashing but im not apologizing for that lmao. uh also theres some jaimebrienne in this im sorry theyre my emotional support hetship
> 
> also, tw for mentions of incest, a huge age gap between two characters, references to canonical sexual assault and abusive relationships, and a discussion of sexual assault. somehow parts of this actually got... serious? wow.

Dany: When I was a child, my brother would tell me a bedtime story about the man who murdered our father. Who stabbed him in the back and cut his throat. Who sat down on the Iron Throne and watched as his blood poured onto the floor. He told me other stories as well. About all the things we would do to that man when we had him in our grasp. 

Sansa: [whispering to Jon] This is like the hottest thing I've ever seen.

Jon: Sansa, you're my sister and I love you, but I did not need to know that.

Dany: Your sister pledged to send her army North.

Jaime: Yeah, about that...

Dany: Where's the fucking army, Lannister? All I see is a little bitch with one hand. 

Jaime: I suppose I deserve that. Anyways, my sister lied to all of you about the ships, and she's planning on betraying you if you win. 

Dany: Yeah, we figured that out at this point. Why do I even bother listening to Tyrion at this point?

Jaime: Uh, well, I'm here and I plan on helping you guys out. Cersei betrayed me too and I'm not on her side anymore. 

Tyrion: I trust him.

Dany: No offense but your judgement on the topic of your siblings is flawed as hell. In terms of my personal grievances, Lannister, you are accused of breaking your oath and murdering your king Aerys II in his throne room, by stabbing him in the back and then cutting his throat, while he was unarmed. Did you do it?

Jaime: Lady I have gone around being called Kingslayer most of my life. I absolutely did it. Why is this even a question?

Dany: My father was also a douchebag who let my brother Rhaegar kidnap Lyanna Stark.

Jon: [sweating]

Dany: He also killed Rickard and Brandon Stark when they got mad about said kidnapping. He killed a lot of people in general, actually, and most of the time it was absolutely not deserved. 

Jaime: I was not expecting you to acknowledge that your family has done bad things?

Dany: No offense but I personally know just how fucked up my family can get since my brother Viserys abused me and sold me to a man who raped me multiple times and then threatened to kill my unborn child. I am not one to dismiss others' fears based on past trauma. But dude, you were part of the Kingsguard when all that shit was happening and you didn't kill Aerys then, so why did you take action when you did? Like, a lot of people stood by when this happened, don't get me wrong- including people I knew and were in my own personal guard, like Ser Barristan Selmy. But they didn't kill the King when he was defenceless, either. So why then?

Jaime: Alright, I will finally reveal my giant traumatic justification but I want it on record that you forced me into this. Your dad was going to kill all of King's Landing with wildfire. He was gonna blow the whole place up. Everyone. 

Dany: ... wow. 

Jaime: Yeah, that's what I said too.

Sansa: While that does make you killing Aerys come across in a different light, that was like a decade ago and you've done a lot of fucked up shit since then. Like attacking my dad, and being generally a jerk, and supporting the woman who made my life a living hell. You destroyed my house and my family. Why you killed Aerys doesn't change that.

Jaime: Everything I did, I did for my family.

Bran: The things we do for love...

Jaime: [sweating harder] This is going poorly, isn't it.

Jon: Yeah. You're screwed.

Brienne: [making a dramatic entrance] Not if I have anything to say about it!

Sansa:  _Brienne_? The fuck are you doing here?

Brienne: I know Ser Jaime is an asshole, but he helped me during all of Season 3 and he  _is_ a good man even if he can be a little bitch sometimes. Without him, I would not have been able to save you, Lady Sansa. I trust him with my life. He did a lot for me and if he was executed in spite of that, I would never forgive myself.

Sansa: Brienne, just so you know, you have shit taste in men.

Brienne: [admiring Jaime's ass] Yeah. I know.

Sansa: Brienne, I trust you with my life, and if you trust him with your life then that's up to you. But just so you know, I still don't forgive him for the shit he did. That said, I vote to let him help Brienne out with training the knights.

Dany: My personal beef with him is about killing my dad, who really honestly sucked and who I personally never knew, and it sounds like he had a good reason for that, so I'm cool with that idea. I'm only concerned about whether or not he's still loyal to Cersei, but if he betrays us we can just kill him then. 

Bran: My spooky mystical powers have shown me he will be useful in killing the Night King. I don't hold a grudge against Jaime for what he did to me.

Sansa: Wait, Bran, what  _did_ he do to you? You haven't told us.

Bran: It doesn't matter. I'm over it. But just so you know, us not killing you is not an extension of forgiveness. Your redemption should not come at the expense of our personal recovery from trauma, and we have no obligation to forgive you, though if we personally decided to forgive you, that's up to us. You have been given a reprieve. But if you betray us or in some way hurt us again, you will have no third chance. 

Jon: I'm with the others. I don't really know Jaime and I trust Sansa so I defer to her judgement. But again, if he betrays us we can and will kill him. So Jaime, you're free to go. 

Jaime: [staring starry-eyed at Brienne] Wha?

* * *

Daenerys: Lady Sansa. Do you want to talk?

Sansa: I thought you'd never ask.

Daenerys: You know, before, I absolutely thought you were going to kill Jaime Lannister.

Sansa: Oh, I would've. I absolutely would've. But Brienne has seldom steered me wrong as an advisor. I trust her more than anyone, and if she vouches for him, I'm willing to trust her judgement.

Dany: Gods I wish that were me. Tyrion is an absolute idiot, and he screws so much up. I trusted him to deal with the situation in Meereen with the slavers, and he was stupid enough to try to negotiate with them- without listening to Grey Worm or Missandei, who have actually dealt with slavers before. I ended up having to deal with the situation myself. I went with his absurdly complicated two-pronged plan once we got to Westeros, against my own judgement and Olenna Tyrell's advice. Because of that, we lost most of the Greyjoy ships, the Sand Snakes, and Olenna Tyrell, and Ellaria Sand and Yara Greyjoy were both captured, and we lost Highgarden. Not to mention the situation with Cersei. He's had good advice at some points, but gods if it hasn't been a case of the bad outweighing the good.

Sansa: Tell me about it. Did you know that Tyrion used to be my husband?

Dany: I heard, but I could barely believe it. How  _old_ were you?

Sansa: I was nearly fifteen, if you can believe that. Now that I mention it, I don't know if the marriage was ever annulled? I might still be married to him, legally I mean.

Dany: You're joking.

Sansa: No! I'm not. He was around thirty-something when we were married, it was  _awful_. 

Dany: Wait, did he... 

Sansa: No, no. In that respect he was perfectly fine. He told me he'd never force me into doing anything, but I did get the impression that he very much wasn't entirely sure how to interact with a teenage girl, and so he acted as if I was a woman instead. I don't begrudge him for it but it was awful at times. He can be quite insensitive.

Dany: Oh. I'm glad. It would be a shame to have to kill him.

Sansa: I wouldn't want you to feel like you had to go to such measures on my account.

Dany: For you, Lady Sansa? Anything.

Sansa: [blushing furiously] A-anyways what did you want to talk to me about?

Dany: Oh, I simply wished to make your acquaintance more thoroughly, in an area where we might be less watched by prying eyes. We are quite alike, you and I, after all.

Sansa: How so?

Dany: Well, our family histories are... complicated to say the least, for one.

Sansa: That's not exactly the most pleasant of bonding topics, is it?

Dany: Oh, there are other things. You and I are both women, for one, leading people who are... disinclined to accept a woman's rule. And from what I've seen we've both done a damn good job of it.

Sansa: Thank you, Your Grace.

Dany: Oh, we can dispense with the formalities, can't we? Call me Dany, please. I want the two of us to be friends, you know.

Sansa: I would like that very much. 

Dany: You say that, but I know you feel at odds with me, I can tell.

Sansa: It's only just... my brother loves you very much.

Dany: ... Sorry?

Sansa: Can't you tell? 

Dany: Lady Sansa, I have no interest in your brother.

Sansa: I thought we'd done away with the formalities. And I'm not blind. Nor do I appreciate being lied to.

Dany: Sansa, then. You're mistaken, I'm afraid. Jon and I are not together.

Sansa: And why not? My brother is a fine man, I'll have you know, he's more than good enough for you, and he does care for you, and a marriage alliance would be a political masterstroke-

Dany: Oh my gods, Sansa, I'm a lesbian.

Sansa: A what?

Dany: I kiss backwards, I'm fond of the twilight hours-

Sansa: No, I know what you mean. It's just that I'm also a lesbian. 

Dany: Oh, I'm super glad to hear that. I suspected, you know- Tyrion kept mentioning that you had few friends in King's Landing, save for Margaery Tyrell, and I began to get the idea that perhaps the two of you were more than just friends.

Sansa: Tyrion's an idiot. And Margaery... well. I loved her very much.

Dany: I am sorry for your loss.

Sansa: It's alright. I have come to terms with it. But what do you plan to do, once you've won the Iron Throne?

Dany: Well, there have been nobility who have been... involved with women before. The tragedy of Rhaena Targaryen and her ill-fated romance with Elissa Farman is well-known. I've also heard rumors about Queen Alysanne; she may have been dear to Jaeharys, but there are tales that her own feelings for him were solely platonic, and that her true love was Jonquil Darke or Alarra Stark. 

Sansa: I've heard those tales indeed. I remember being enchanted with the tragedy of Rhaena as a child...  though I'd never heard that of Alysanne. 

Dany: Yes, well, even those romances were held behind closed doors. Rhaena married a man she did not love in order to be close to his sister, and we all know how that ended. I would not wish to hide my love from the court... and to change the mind of a country is difficult.

Sansa: It's weird down South and I don't pretend to understand it. In the North we have different gods, and they do not condemn love unless it is abusive. But the Faith of the Seven condemns incest, too, and the Targaryens of old were able to convince the people to allow otherwise. Perhaps you could have your own Seven Speakers?

Dany: That is... a great idea. I'll have to do that.

Sansa: Anyways. About the North... did you mean what you said about allowing the North to be independent?

Dany: Yes! I would never force you under my rule... although I'd love to create an alliance between the North and the rest of the Kingdoms. Perhaps the North might be able to help me successfully convince the rest of Westeros to allow for two queens with a... marriage alliance of some sort? 

Sansa: [blushing] I-

Theon: [enters and interrupts the lesbians, why are men like this] My lady- oh. Hello, Your Grace. Fancy seeing you here.

Dany: Theon Greyjoy! I didn't expect you.

Theon: Yeah, sorry, I just got back from rescuing my sister and I'm here to fight for you guys.

Dany: Wait, is Yara okay?

Sansa: How do you know Yara?

Theon: They were fooling around for a while I think? I don't know, I really don't keep up to date on my siste's love life. Anyways, I felt like it was the least I could do to come and help y'all out. If you'll have me.

Sansa: Of course we'll have you, we're trauma friends! You're always welcome here.

Theon: Thank you, Sansa. Sorry for interrupting your flirting, I'll let you get back to it.

Sansa: Theon, no offense, you're a dear friend, but shut the fuck up you're embarassing me.

* * *

Jon: Okay, so the Night King has tons and tons of white walkers coming after us and we're gonna have to kick their asses. They don't get tired, they don't get hungry and whine about  _are we there yet_ or do any of the shit that normal soldiers do. We can't beat them in a straight fight.

Jaime: So what the fuck do we do then?

Jon: Well, the Night King makes them. He's like their weird evil dad. So maybe killing him will kill the rest of them?

Jaime: Then why the fuck would he go anywhere where we could possibly kill him?

Bran: He'll come after me.

Jaime: ...Why though.

Bran: Because he's utterly obsessed with me. Because I have all the receipts, and he wants nothing more than to escape his callouts.

Tyrion: I have no idea what the fuck that means.

Bran: I'm memory itself, is what I'm saying, and he wants to erase this whole world.

Samwell: That's what death is, right? Forgetting. Being forgotten. If we forget where we've been and what we've done, we aren't men anymore. Just animals. Your memories aren't just memories, Bran. Your stories are more than stories. If I wanted to erase this world I'd start with you too.

Jon: Damn, Samwell. That was profound. You should write poetry.

Sam: Oh, thanks!

Tyrion: How will he find you?

Bran: He's a freak and he branded me. He always knows where I am.

Jon: Okay, so you go down in the crypt, where it's safest, and-

Bran: No, I'm gonna sit in the trees. If I'm in the crypt, you'll all get destroyed. We need to lure him out. I'm gonna go to the godswood.

Sansa: Bran, are you asking to be used as bait?

Arya: Yeah, uh, I'm vetoing this plan, we're not gonna just leave you alone out there-

Theon: I will stay with him, then. With the Ironborn. I took this castle from you, Lady Sansa, and betrayed your family, and generally was a douchebag to you. This way I can redeem myself, satisfying my character arc.

Tyrion: Okay, that seems fair. Davos and I will give the signal-

Dany: Ser Davos is perfectly capable of waving a torch on his own, Tyrion. You're gonna be in the crypts. 

Tyrion: I've fought before, your Grace-

Dany: Sorry, no, you're going to be in the crypts. You've been a shit advisor recently, but you're still really smart, so you're staying in the crypts so you don't get yourself killed. Anyways. The dragons will give us an edge in the field.

Jon: If they're in the field, they're not protecting Bran. We need to be near him. Not too near, or the Night King won't come, but close enough that we can turn him into a well-done steak when the time is right.

Sansa: Oh, does dragonfire stop them?

Bran: I don't know. No one's ever tried. 

Tormund, saying what everyone's thinking: We are well and thoroughly fucked. We are all going to die.

Brienne: Tormund, don't be rude.

Tormund: But at least we die together?

Brienne: That's better.

Dany: Let's get some rest before the battle, folks. We're going to need it.

* * *

Jaime: In the name of the Warrior, I charge you to be brave. In the name of the Father, I charge you to be just.

Tormund: Oh, I get it. She's taken, isn't she?

Tyrion: No, but he won't get his head out of his ass and actually ask her out, because he's a dumbass.

Jaime: In the name of the Mother, I charge you to defend the innocent. Arise, Ser Brienne of Tarth, Knight of the Seven Kingdoms. 

Sansa, who heard the commotion and stopped in to see what was happening: Fucking finally.

* * *

Jon: So, Daenerys, the truth is that my mom is Lyanna Stark, and my dad is your brother Rhaegar, and they got married, and supposedly they were in love though I have a hard time believing that given the power dynamics involved, but I'm their son.

Dany: Holy shit. I'm so glad we didn't have sex now. I am so fucking done with the Targaryen incest tradition.

Jon: Yeah, also I recently realized that my feelings for you are strictly platonic, sorry, and I'm still recovering from the death of the woman I loved and also the fact that a great deal of my life was a lie.

Dany: That sucks dude. Also, does this change anything about the Iron Throne issue?

Jon: No, when this is over I'm going to go own twenty dogs and just generally chill for the rest of my life. No offense but the Iron Throne is way too much responsibility and I'm still coping with all the shit I've gone through recently.

Dany: That's valid. You're a good guy, Jon Stark. Or whatever your last name is now.

Jon: Now that you mention that, I'm not sure either.

[Battle horn]

Dany: I guess we'll have to figure that out after the battle, then. Are you ready to go kick some White Walker ass, Jon?

Jon: I was born ready, my dear aunt.

Dany: Gross. Don't call me that ever again.

Jon: Yeah, it sounded weird the minute I said it. I'm going to go put my armor on and pretend I never said that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dany and sansa, attempting to flirt: immediately start using the most formal possible language
> 
> lots of references to fire + blood in this chapter bc ive been reading it lately whoops, so skip this if you know about this. i love infodumping about lesbians  
> rhaena targaryen was the daughter of aenys the first. pretty much everyone knew she was a lesbian; she married a guy so she could date his sister elissa. elissa eventually left her and her husband poisoned all her female friends. her life sucked lmao  
> the seven speakers were a group of seven people put together by jaeharys & alysanne to justify their marriage to the people. they successfully made incest okay in the eyes of westeros (for targaryens only).  
> also the euphemisms dany uses are from the toast's article "code words for lesbianism in classic films"


	3. s8e4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone gets drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from what ive heard episode 3 was Fine (except for tyrion talking about how he wished tht he was still married to sansa? what was that about?) so we're just fixing the rest of the season in two chapters bitch... 
> 
> MORE tyrion bashing i guess this is tyrion bashing house tonight

Dany: Wow, I can't believe you literally just killed the Night King.

Arya: What, like it's hard?

* * *

Jon: We're here to say goodbye to our sisters and brothers, our mothers and fathers, our friends, who gave their lives for us so we could keep living. They were the bravest people in Westeros, the shields that guarded the realm of men and women and everyone in-between. We have all lost someone today, and some people would like to speak some words about these brave souls before they pass into the realm beyond. My sister Sansa, would you like to start?

Sansa: Yes, I would. Could you pass the medieval era microphone? Yeah, thanks. Uh.

Sansa: Theon Greyjoy was my foster brother. He came to the Stark household when he was only eight, and he was dear friends with my eldest brother Robb Stark. I was not particularly close to him when I was younger; he was older, for one, and more interested in dirt and mud and scraps than stories and songs and sewing. Theon made many mistakes in his life, but he paid, and paid, and paid for his betrayal. He regretted it every day, and he more than redeemed himself for it. Theon saved my life. He saved  _me_. He died as a Stark, protecting my little brother. With his death, we have lost a good man, and I hope wherever he is, he is happy. 

Sam: I suppose I'll go next. Eddison Tollet was the Lord Commander of the Night Watch. He was a dear friend to me, and he saved my life many times over. He fought against the wights for all his life and he was like a brother to me, and without him I wouldn't be standing here. Goodbye, Edd. You were a great man and a better brother than I'd ever had.

Arya: Lyanna Mormont and I were not particularly close, but I know she admired me. The sentiment was mutual. Lyanna was a proud and distinguished Lady Mormont, and that her life was cut off in her prime is a true loss. Lyanna was only a girl, and she deserved to be able to grow old and serve her house well for many more years. She left this world as she lived in it: kicking ass and taking names, and that's more than some.

Dany: Jorah Mormont was my advisor. He was with me since I was a seventeen year old girl being sold to Khal Drogo, stuck in an abusive relationship and under my brother's thumb. He stayed with me throughout it all. He loved me, and though I did not reciprocate his feelings he was very important to me. He supported me when I was weak and when I was wrong he told me as such. He was one of the only men who expected nothing from me except my best self, who guided and aided me throughout everything. Without him, I don't know what I would have done. Goodbye, Jorah. You were like a father to me. 

Bran: Braver than any U.S. marine, each and every one of them.

Jon: What's a U.S. marine?

* * *

Dany: Hey, Gendry. You fuck with my crush's sister and I'll end you.

Gendry: No offense, Your Grace, but if I fuck up with Arya, you won't need to step in. Arya will handle it herself. 

Dany: That's fair. By the way, I know you're the bastard son of Robert Baratheon.

Gendry: [sweating] ...yyeah?

Dany: Relax, I'm not going to kill you because you're the son of an asshole. But you  _are_ the only trustworthy Baratheon left alive that I know of, and it would be a shame for the House to end due to your father's actions. The Baratheons were once a strong and powerful ally to the Targaryens- after all, Aegon the Conqueror saw Orys Baratheon as a brother. And you seem a fair and honorable enough man. So everybody, this is Gendry and he's Lord Baratheon now!

Gendry: I am?

Drunken partiers: [cheering]

Gendry: So this is happening now, I guess.

* * *

Dany: Here's to Arya Stark, hero of Winterfell!

Bran, Jon, and Sansa simultaneously: THAT'S OUR SISTER WHO IS FANTASTIC AND PERFECT AND KICKS ASS AND NEVER GIVES UP AND IS THE BEST-

Arya: Guys... stop... you're embarassing me...

* * *

Jaime: Hey, let's all get drunk!

Podrick, in the background: Maybe if he gets drunk enough he'll actually manage to ask Brienne out. Gods know he hasn't got the courage sober.

Tyrion: Actually, I think I might have the solution... time for a round of Never-Have-I-Ever, medieval fantasy style!

Podrick: I swear to god this idea is straight out of fanfiction. This is like, Romantic Tropes 101. There's no way this will work-

Tyrion: Never have I ever slept with a man!

Brienne: [doesn't drink]

Jaime: YOU'vE NEvER sLEpT wITh sOmeONE?

Brienne: No... I've actually never been with a man in any romantic capacity.

Tyrion: Have you ever slept with a woman, then? Are you a lesbian?

Brienne: No. I'm attracted to men and women but I've never been with anyone. No one has ever wanted to be with me. 

Jaime: I'm literally in shock. 

Brienne: This is humiliating, I'm leaving. [leaves]

Jaime: Uh I'm just gonna... go... also... for no reason... whatsoever... 

Podrick: ... I can't believe that worked. 

* * *

Tyrion: You don't want to be Lord of Winterfell?

Bran: I don't 'want' anymore.

Tyrion: Oh... Bran... dude...

Bran: Actually that was a lie lmao I want you to stop fucking bothering me you suck. 

Tyrion: ...Okay then.

* * *

Hound: I heard you were broken in. Heard you were broken in rough. 

Sansa: ... I mean. Yes? But that's a really weird way to put it and it's frankly kind of disgusting. And the men who did this to me are dead, yes, I killed them and it was really great getting to do it-

Hound: You've changed, little bird. And to think none of it would've happened if you'd left King's Landing with me.

Sansa: Exfuckingcuse you? Are you implying what happened to me was good because it made me into the person I am today? Because it wasn't! Yes, I am a different person because of the trauma enacted upon me but that's not necessarily a GOOD thing. I have severe PTSD and I can't function sometimes because of it. What happened to me was terrible and I would not wish it on anyone, not even myself. How Arya puts up with you I have no idea. 

Hound: I didn't mean it like that. I meant that, in spite of all the shit that happened to you you were able to become a strong and independent person and I'm so proud of you for being able to do that but I phrased that weirdly and I'm sorry. Game of Thrones writers don't know how to write discussions of sexual trauma and abuse and as a result everything comes off weird as fuck. 

Sansa: Oh fair enough, that makes sense. Your apology is accepted. 

Hound: Thank you. I'm going to head south with your sister in order to get Revenge™, but it was nice seeing you!

* * *

Gendry: Um, Arya, will you... like... marry me?

Arya: Dude. No. Fuck that. I'm a badass little goblin bitch and you want me to be a 'lady' or whatever? The only Lady I am is the Lady of Death. Sorry dude, but if you're going to be a Lord then we can't be together. That sucks though.

Gendry: ...Ugh. Fuck.

* * *

 

Jaime: Hey, Brienne, listen, they're going to go kill Cersei. She's an awful person, and she betrayed everyone, but-

Brienne: Please don't tell me your idea of pillow talk is telling me that you're going back to your sister. 

Jaime: Gods no! She is my sister, and I will always love her, but I don't think anyone could save her now. Not even me. But I want to be there at the end, because she's still my sister, and I still love her, in the very messy, fucked up way we have. It feels fitting that I be there when she dies. I just wanted to ask if you would come with me.

Brienne: Oh! Of course. Let me get my sword. 

* * *

 

Jon: I'm just minding my own business, wondering about what I'm supposed to do now when... oh my gods. By the old gods and the new. Ghost, is that you?

Ghost: [Jon? My boy? My little boy? He's so big now! I am still going to protect my boy, even if he is bigger than me now. I love my boy!]

Jon, rubbing Ghost's belly: Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? You are! Yes you are! You're a good direwolf, the best direwolf. Good dog! Best friend! I love you so much!

Daenerys: Uh, folks, we're going to go kill Cersei now... Jon, are you petting your dog?

Jon: He's not just my DOG he's my direwolf! I've missed him so much, but he came back to me, didn't you Ghost? You're a good dog, you're the best direwolf, I love you so much, you're so strong and smart and brave and cute and fluffy-

Daenerys: Seeing as you're currently occupied, I guess we'll just go kill Cersei ourselves?

Jon: That would... probably be best.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so late lmao

**Author's Note:**

> stuff that hasn't changed: the arya/jon reunion, the night king part of the plotline, the euron/cersei shit (no offense but i dont care about either of them and it ... seems in character i guess), the yara & theon reunion. 
> 
> i wrote this in an hour


End file.
